You are dumb-founded. You can’t believe this is happening to you. You are stunned. Horrified. Shocked. You ask yourself, “What have I done to deserve this?” You have been working hard, taking care of the kids, attending church, paying bills, etc. You have been responsible. You ask yourself, “How could they do this to me? To our family?” Thoughts are racing through your mind.
Your spouse tells you, “I don’t love you anymore.” You don’t know how to respond. You are hurt. You are confused. Your knee-jerk reaction, many times, is to try to win them back. You’ll blame yourself. You’ll cry. You’ll plead. You’ll compromise. You will do whatever it takes to get them. Lose weight. Have more sex. And it will be all wrong.
Many well meaning Christian counselors and pastors encourage the offended spouse to “love” the adulterer more. They’ll help you find out what you did wrong in the marriage. They’ll advise you to be a better wife or husband – to please them more with your love and attention.
Here’s the Deal…
It’s always good to learn more about yourself and your responsibility in the marriage, but now is not the time. You want your spouse to repent. You want your marriage back. Now is the time to prepare for battle. God hates sin. And your spouse has sinned against God and you. God wants you to confront sin in a direct, assertive way (2 Sam. 12:7; Matt. 5:23-24; Matt. 18:15-17; 2 Cor. 13:2; Gal. 2:11; 2 Thess. 3:14-15; Titus 3:10-11). Below are steps that marriage counselor David Clarke outlines on how to do just that. Here’s the beginning of your battle plan:
Step #1: Get Close to God
Attend church regularly. Pray to God – not only spoken prayers, but written prayers as well. Read the Bible and other Christian books. Join a Bible study group.
Step #2: Get a Support Team
Gather a select group of friends or family members to go to battle with you. Persons who are confidential and positive. Make sure at least two of them live close by. Have them pray for you and ask for emotional and possible financial support.
I do not recommend your parents as your first choice as support. Many times, their view is not objective enough. Friends or siblings are usually better choices.
Step #3: Get Angry (and yet do not sin)
Anger will give you power and strength. You will need it as you go through this difficult process. Of course, you are not to be aggressive or violent with your anger, but do use it to fuel your dogged determination. The purpose of this anger is to motivate and strengthen you to work on your marriage. It can give you gumption, courage, and steadfastness.
Step #4: Confront Your Spouse
Before you confront, make sure you are prepared financially. The goal of the confrontation is to bring your spouse to repentance. You will need to be very intentional about what you say and how you say it.
You may wish to write it down to organize your thoughts. Have prayer warriors praying while you confront. This is a difficult step. Here’s some advice on approaching it.
Step #5: Take Action Against the Sin
Have your spouse end the extra-marital relationship. Make sure that the communication is clear to other person – use face-to-face conversations, phone calls, or emails to communicate the ending. Afterwards, block the phone number or email. Have your spouse to delete their social media accounts. If there is an account, have a combined account with you.
Have your spouse to attend counseling and get an accountability partner of his or her same sex. Have your spouse to confess his sin in detail. You need to know what they did, where they did it, and how often they did it (i.e. they took a trip here, they held hands and walked around here at this time). Healing is in the details. But you do NOT need to know the details of their physical touching or sexual acts, the other person’s body, or how they reacted.
When the spouse doesn’t know these details, then they will fill it in with the worse case scenario. By being fully honest, the offending spouse is laying the foundation to rebuild trust later on.
Step #6: Work on Your Relationship Together
Up until this point, your spouse should be actively working on their sin and themselves. After this sin is under control, you can begin to work on communication, forgiveness, rebuilding trust, and other couples issues. Many times, you need a marriage counselor to help you work on issues and guide you through this process.
I recommend that you find a counselor who is a member of the AACC (American Association of Christian Counselors). Here’s my structure for working through an affair and building a strong marriage.
You Might Be Wondering…
If your spouse refuses to repent, then you will be forced to take more severe actions. This will include confronting with witnesses, shunning, and possibly separating. Matthew 18:15-17 are Jesus’s words about confronting sin which include witnesses, shunning, and separation.
“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17 NRSV)
You cannot force your spouse to do anything. You can only control yourself. I find that when an adulterer refuses to repent, they stay stuck in blaming their spouse. They justify the affair because they are angry at their spouse. You cannot get your spouse to change their thinking, but you can get a lawyer and separate from them. Many times, it takes this separation for them to get a different perspective.
For Those Who Are Going Through a Very Difficult Affair…
If you or someone you know is going through this kind of ordeal, I recommend them reading David Clarke’s book What To Do When Your Spouse Says, I Don’t Love You Anymore. Dr. Clarke provides a wealth of practical Christian advice that works. Need some additional help going through this ordeal? Read about marriage counseling.
Sara
June 15, 2020 at 4:28 amWhat about wanting to get a divorce even when your spouse says he’s repented but you obviously don’t believe him since he’s said that before and cheated again?
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
June 15, 2020 at 6:40 pmWell, it sounds like you’re having a difficult time deciding. If he continually has affairs or compulsive relationships, then he may have a sexual addiction. True repentance for a sexual addict at that level is a long, arduous journey. Sexual addictions expert Patrick Carnes says about 3-5 years of individual counseling and support group. You may want to listen to the interview I had with Nate Danser from Pure Life Ministries.
Julia
August 31, 2022 at 2:46 amI am a wife, and I cheated on my husband. I regret it so much! I told my husband about that, we are trying to work on it. It us so hard. Do you have any advice to make this process easier
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
September 6, 2022 at 1:35 pmYes, the process is difficult, but it is good if done correctly. Having a good Christian counselor guide you through the process will helpful and give you some guardrails.
Melody Dawn Zimmerman
March 6, 2023 at 7:04 pmMy particular situation is complicated. My husband is havinig an affair with his best friends wife. My husband also is a devout christian. I have confronted him about his infedility, to which I do not have solid proof, such as eye witness. I know that it is happening and it has been happening for four years. He will not admit to it, at all. He has prayed over me, prayed with me and prayed about our situation. He has swore on everything holy and on Gods word. In my opinion used every lie in the book to continue in this affair. He can never tell me the truth because it would hurt so many people. No one would believe in a million years that he could do such a thing because of his characture and integrity. She is not the person people think she is either. She persued my husbund purposefully and blatently. I am living fully with doubt and untrust.. We have been married and together for a total of 29 years. I love this man. I can not stand the lies and betrayel. without proof I feel that I can not leave, however, I don’t know how I can stand by and continue to live with the sitution. They are very good at hiding their affair and it is happening very early in the mornings. She is coming to him, because I have him on such a time crunch and for other reasons as well. Please help. My gut and intuition know it is true.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
March 13, 2023 at 5:36 pmIt sounds like you are in a very difficult situation – your intuition is telling you that there is an affair but you do not have any blatant proof. Since you are heavily monitored by him and her, it sounds like you need help getting more substantial evidence – like putting up hidden cameras or hiring a private investigator. I recommend you seeing a Christian counselor who can help you sort through all of this.
Rob
September 12, 2020 at 4:35 pmIn my particular situation, my wife has cheated, said she’s stopped the affair, but continues to talk to the guy as ‘friends’. I have confronted both of them. As far as I know she hasn’t repented and still doesn’t want me. It has further complicated things that we have had to move into her moms house because of finances/covid, and now (in CA at least) there are no churches that I know of that are open. My only support system has been my parents (which live in OH). Her mom gets on me at times to try to rebuild my relationship with her, but I have made it clear that I cannot trust her until she has stopped talking to the guy. I try to spend time with her and she talks to the guy via text messages even during that time. Not sure what to do. It’s been a mess.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
September 14, 2020 at 3:51 pmIt sounds like you are in a difficult position. You have confronted her and him, but she has only half-heartedly made a boundary with him. The boundaries are even more complicated with COVID and living with her mother. It seems to be even more complicated since you have no support in CA.
Vicky Smith
February 15, 2021 at 4:28 amMy husband had a yr and a half affair and we are still together but he refuses to have anything sexual to do with me… why? It has been 3 yrs since the affair ended.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
February 15, 2021 at 4:10 pmDr. David Ludwig says sex is the glue for a marriage. It bonds the marriage together. Lack of sex is a strong indicator of something amiss in the relationship. (I am not speaking of the exceptions – when there are physical or mental limitations like a stroke or dementia in one of the spouses.) So definitely, the relationship has not been fully restored into a healthy, vibrant marriage. Of course, your mind may wonder if the affair truly ended or has another started or has pornography replaced it – any of these may or may not be true, but definitely the marriage has not been reconciled into a trusting, loving relationship. I encourage you both to continue to work on your marriage – go to marriage retreats, go to marriage counseling, read books about it together, etc.
Nik J
February 16, 2021 at 3:23 pmMy husband has had affairs(physical and emotional) and has a pornography problem our entire marriage (7years) and cannot give me straight answers or tell me why he wants to stop and he keeps changing his stories. He has said he’s sorry and won’t do it again but how do I believe this?
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
February 16, 2021 at 5:25 pmIt sounds like there may be a sexual addiction. No matter how sincere an apology is from someone with a sexual addiction; it will not go away without a lot of hard work. When they say that they will not do it again, they are not only lying to their spouse and others but to themselves as well. They will need help outside of themselves to overcome this problem. This help should come in the form of counseling, attending support group (like Celebrate Recovery), and accountability partners. For more severe cases, more help may be needed. Our mental health crisis resource page list additional resources.
True BT
October 23, 2021 at 9:35 amSame issue here, I know I can’t trust it. It’s been 7 for us and the excuse and actions get more and more disrespectful like you get caught red handed and you yell at your with and drive away with the strange woman you just picked up on the street, that is last straw behavior.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
October 25, 2021 at 8:19 pmSex addiction expert Patrick Carnes has categorized 10 types of sexual behavior. He would describe the being with “strange women you just picked up on the street” as Anonymous Sex. Anonymous Sex is high-risk sex with unknown persons. Arousal involves no seduction or cost and is immediate.
Bruce Fritchey
May 21, 2021 at 3:21 amAs you said, “Healing is in the details.” You further back this up by saying, “When the spouse doesn’t know these details, then they will fill it in with the worse case scenario. By being fully honest, the offending spouse is laying the foundation to rebuild trust later on.” However, in the midst of all that, you say something that seems inane to me; as if it were an oxymoron or possibly a paradox. You state, “But you do NOT need to know the details of their physical touching or sexual acts, the other person’s body, or how they reacted.” How do you reconcile these as different “details”? I will reiterate you verbatim, “When the spouse doesn’t know these details, then they will fill it in with the worse case scenario. By being fully honest, the offending spouse is laying the foundation to rebuild trust later on.” Please explain.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
May 24, 2021 at 5:35 pmYes, I agree that it does sound quite ambiguous and contradictory. Each couple and situation is different. I generally address this with each couple more specifically in session, giving handouts with examples. But generally, the details that need to be shared are about when, how often, where, who and what happened including whether it was a text, phone call, hug, kiss, sexting, oral sex, or intercourse, but not the details of the physical touching or sexual acts, the other person’s body, or how they reacted.
Andrew Gilliam Sr.
August 15, 2021 at 3:52 amI abandoned my faithful wife of 39 years and grown children for a co worker. Now she is pregnant. I really blew it with my family. Any advice would be helpful. I still adore my family and the coworker was just a fling. I have cheated on my wife many times, but this time I told her I did not remember her or the kids. How do I fix my errors with my family?
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
August 15, 2021 at 6:43 pmThank you for sharing! My first recommendation is that you see a Christian counselor – someone who is a member of the AACC (American Association of Christian Counseling). There are many things that you will need to navigate delicately. You had mentioned numerous affairs which may indicate that you may have a sexual addiction. Celebrate Recovery (CR) is a support group for anyone struggling with hurt, pain or addiction of any kind. I recommend CR to most of my clients while I am seeing them. CR will be essential for your recovery and restoration.
M Flackson
August 15, 2021 at 4:45 amI’m really struggling with this. My husband of 37 years had an affair. When confronted, he neither denied or affirmed. I chose to forgive him and we have remained married now for 49 yrs. About the same time he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and dementia. I stayed with him and eventually became his caregiver 24/7 for 12 years until he had to go into a nursing home recently since I was no longer able to care for him.
A few months ago, a widowed childhood friend contacted me. We hit it off and have been seeing each other long distance. Since finding the Lord at 25 (I’m now 71) I have lived my life according to Biblical precepts. I had 12 long years of taking care of my husband, giving up so much during that time. Now I want this new relationship to prosper for our remaining years. My husband doesn’t know me when I visit him in the nursing home but has a strong constitution and may live quite awhile . I know for certain I’m a born-again Christian but struggle with what I’m doing. Prayer for wisdom and guidance is a constant but things continue to get better. I’m wondering if the Lord is ordaining this new relationship but I don’t know how that could be – based on His Words on adultery. Any helpful words on this?
Because my husband broke our marriage covenant, am I free to pursue or do I have to wait for him to pass. Divorce is not an option at this point.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
August 15, 2021 at 6:49 pmThank you for sharing! It sounds like speaking with a therapist would be helpful for you to navigate this difficult time. I recommend that you see a Christian counselor – someone who is a member of the AACC (American Association of Christian Counseling).
Rachel Pruiett
October 25, 2021 at 7:20 amI got married almost 2 years ago and 8 months into our marriage I found dating apps he had downloaded well AFTER our wedding and he was talking to multiple women. I forgave him and decided to just trust him (we’re young (19-20)) figured he’s just young and dumb lol. However three months after that I found dating apps on his phone AGAIN and he was talking to local women. This time it hit me so hard. I really thought I was going to leave him but I decided I wanted to at least try my hardest to trust him again and we went to marriage counseling..it was great but only lasted like 8 months until I’ve caught him twice masturbating in secret while watching porn and we hadn’t had an sort of physical affection around the time I caught him masturbating. I’ve decided to leave him.. I have been faithful.. I have prayed and asked God so many times to let me know my husbands true intentions, because he would always apologize and then try by going to church and reading the Bible but it was short lived every time.. I can’t keep holding on waiting for him to grow up. He pretended to be someone totally different before we got married but man it still hurts because I’ve been patient and understanding and I just know he’s not going to change. I just still cant help but feel like it’s my fault we aren’t working out.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
October 25, 2021 at 8:11 pmIn chapter 19 of David Clarke’s book I Don’t Want A Divorce, he addresses the “popular advice” of where the spouse is told that it is their fault. He tells the sinning spouse it is 100% his fault. It is 100 percent the addicted spouse’s problem. The spouse cannot make the other addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, work etc. It is their decision and decisions.
Priyasha
May 4, 2022 at 6:40 amMy husband denying he is cheating . But I have evidence. But still he wants to have sex with me . But I feel very uncomfortable, so I refused it. What can I do in this , I feel very sorry for him. He said he loves me. But Denys he is cheating. . As a child of god is it fine to give him space to have sex as he is my husband, even if I feel confused
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
July 7, 2022 at 5:00 pmIt sounds like you both would benefit from marriage counseling or individual for yourself if he refuses. Many clients use the evidence as leverage to get their spouse to go to counseling. I recommend you seeing someone who is a member of the AACC. Of course, shop around to find someone that you feel confident in. It may cost more, but it will be worth it.
Neela Gampal
May 22, 2022 at 1:01 amI am struggling with what to do with my marriage, my husband told me 10 days ago that he needed some space because he lost his identity, so he stayed at a worldly friend’s house, now he came back and is a different person, he told me that he won’t hide his feelings anymore (he was afraid to express his feelings\opinions because he didn’t want to hurt me before) so he expressed all of his feelings, he decided to stop following God, he flew to CA (we live in TX) to meet a female friend and told me he had the best sex ever and now tells me that he will like me to meet another man just to understand what did he went through. He is totally a different person, all he told me I totally disagree, now I’m feeling hopeless, I would like to meet someone who went with a similar situation because I am alone in this and right now I cannot afford for a counseling.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
July 7, 2022 at 4:46 pmIt sounds like you have really been going through a lot and need support. You mentioned that you cannot afford counseling. I am not sure about Texas, but many counties have government-sponsored mental health counseling (usually groups) that are free or low cost. I also recommend Celebrate Recovery (CR) with is a Christian-based support group. It was started by Pastor Rick Warren at Saddleback Church in California. Many churches host CR groups around the nation.
Michael D. Bonsall Sr.
June 10, 2022 at 1:38 pmThoughts on a man who is married to a woman who experimented with bisexual sex prior to marriage but over the course of a 17 year marriage has engaged in numerous adulterous affairs with women and another man? The husband is Christian although he strayed away from God for a period of time but has found his way back with a passion. The wife was willing to abandon the marriage and the children to move forward in a lesbian affair a number of years ago and is again involved in a gay relationship. Advising in this situation is particularly difficult as it is my oldest son who is struggling with this situation.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
July 7, 2022 at 4:53 pmIt sounds like your son needs to speak with a Christian counselor (a member of the AACC) to figure out how to navigate through this difficult situation. A lot is going on with his wife, probably due to previous traumas and/or abuse. He will need to learn how to be assertive (not aggressive) and set boundaries that are appropriate to help/protect himself, her, and the children.
Tanaka sadza
October 17, 2022 at 3:01 pmI found out my wife cheated on me November of last year and had stopped taking to this person about a month ago. I confronted her about it and she seemed to be regretful about doing this act. I was trying to work on the relationship but the emotional trauma of knowing what another man did to my wife became too great,but i was still willing to work on the relationship. I then asked for some time apart from her so i can clear my mind because i felt i needed the time to absorb and accept the situation, and be able to work on the relationship much better. She did not take it as space but assumed i was leaving her. I took a week and a half to my self and i used the time to try and figure my self out ,and i was certain that i was still in love with her in that short time and i wanted everything to work out. I came back to her and i talked to her and told her that it will take time for me to heal but am willing to work things out . 5 days go by. while sitting on my bed i decided to use her phone and to my surprise i found a different man in her phone. She met and talk to this man during my time away and they have been having sex, so far 5 times ,four of which where unprotected. The last time they did it was a day after i came back. I confronted her and she said she really thought she lost me forever so she became so emotional and vulnerable that when this man was talking to her and was giving her sweet words it helped her as a distraction from her pain and this led her to sleep with him. And having unprotected sex was a bad idea she didn’t think through. I just walked out and i haven’t said a word to her. She tried talking to my friend but he was as disappointed as i was. Its been a month now and i haven’t seen nor spoken to her. i dont know what to do . I am afraid that being with her is a mistake and in future i might find her with another man, and I dont think i will be able to handle it the way i did. I have been with her for 5 years . What advice can you give me . Because right now even moving on is difficult because i might just find someone even worse. She has been an amazing person and if i didnt go through her phone and find out about the first man and again the second man i would have been really happy. Its still seems to be unreal that she could do this
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
November 28, 2022 at 5:26 pmSo what I am hearing is that your wife had an affair last November and had another affair recently when you were taking some time away. Just because you were gone for a week or two doesn’t mean that you were still not married. There is a lot of information that we do not know. But it sounds like she has a sexual addiction which is probably rooted in a lot of past trauma. Both you and your wife need to see individual counselors. I recommend you seeing someone who is a member of the AACC.
Cathy Karaoglan
October 19, 2022 at 2:48 pmWhat if your husband keeps telling you he stopped but then every few months you find evidence he never stopped. Is God helping me know the truth and should I leave the marriage because he keeps cheating and promises he stop but doesn’t? I been trying to give him grace and pray for our marriage and I want to trust him but the pain is getting unbearable every time I find new proof of betrayal and my husband gets upset I am sad and struggling with all this. It’s like he confess then i.suppose to say OK and act like nothing and I don’t know how to do this. I not sure I suppose to stay in this marriage?
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
November 28, 2022 at 5:32 pmIt sounds like your husband is just telling you what you want to hear and what he thinks he needs to say. I am sure at the time your husband may be sincere but with addiction that will not be enough. He needs boundaries and accountability partners. You are not to be his accountability partner. He needs to find accountability partners at a support group like Celebrate Recovery. You need to speak to a counselor and come up with appropriate boundaries.
Esther C. Hull
October 20, 2022 at 3:55 amMy husband had an affair and I want to tell the woman’s husband. I don’t think it is fair that I am the only one hurting. I feel it is important that he knows what his wife has been doing. Is it biblical to tell the husband about his wife’s affair? I am torn because they have children. I plan to stay with my husband.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
November 28, 2022 at 5:43 pmEphesians 5:25 says, “…you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to (your) neighbor..” Both your husband and his wife has sinned against God, against you, and against her husband. By keeping a “secret” from him would be “bearing false witness.” Secrets in a marriage are always harmful and never good. He will eventually know and sooner is better than later.
Eve M
November 5, 2022 at 9:16 pmMy husband has been having several affairs and one night stands which I always or most of the time comes to know.He is defensive whenever I ask him and we have separated before but now we are together again and he is still cheating.
When we separated I moved on because I had no intention of going back to him and unfortunately I got into a relationship with a married man,I did cut the relationship when we got back and I even accepted Christ as my saviour.
My husband always abuse me emotionally and even calls me a whore.He doesn’t or rarely supports me in the house and I work hard to provide food and other basic things for the children n family.
I have no more Grace and I feel like calling it quit.will I be sinning if I leave this marriage?
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
November 28, 2022 at 6:05 pmWhen Jesus is preaching the sermon on the mount in Matthew 5:32, he says that divorce is permitted when there is marital unfaithfulness. Verbal, mental, and emotional abuse (i.e. calling names, put-downs, yelling, etc) are very damaging to you and your children. They are not part of the God-designed marriage. You need to talk with a counselor to discuss the extent of the emotional abuse in order to decide upon your boundaries – which separation may be part of it. His multiple affairs sounds like a form of sexual addiction which is very damaging to you but also the children.
When I hear of situations like this that children are in, I think of Matthew 18:5-6 and am very somber. There are many interpretations of these verses, but I feel like it applies in this situation. Your husband is causing these little ones to sin by his emotional abuse. By putting the children in this atmosphere, I feel you are liable as well. The children need protection.
Taylor
November 8, 2022 at 10:24 pmI just found out that my fiancé cheated on me by sending inappropriate pictures to a 17 year old family friend over a month ago. He used to be her youth pastor, and our wedding is 2 weeks away. Her mom called me to tell me, and he hid it from me for over a month. He let me know that he has been living in fear and anxiety for over a month. He is completely distraught. He said he wanted to tell me. But it doesn’t seem like he was going to before the wedding. He was letting me go into this marriage blind. He has been lying to my face for over a month. Now I am 2 weeks out from our wedding date and need to make a quick decision. I have reached out for counseling. What are your thoughts on this?
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
November 28, 2022 at 6:12 pmObviously, your fiancee has boundaries issues among other things which you need to explore further before making commitments to him. Hopefully, your counselor has helped you to begin to work on these issues and hopefully he is seeking help as well.
Tessa
November 30, 2022 at 6:20 amMy husband has been cheating on me for 13 months since our son was born. His excuse was his mental health problem which he has a maintenance medication for. However I don’t know if I want to continue the marriage since the happiest time of our lives is now smeared with his infidelity- I don’t know how I can trust him again. It does not look like he will change his ways and I’m now hoping for an amicable divorce. Was actually a bit glad to see Matthew 5:32 mentioned above.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
December 5, 2022 at 6:36 pmIf your husband is not going to counseling and a support group like Celebrate Recovery, then he is not working on himself. Medication management is not enough. In Malachi 2:16, God says “I hate divorce and him who covers his garment with wrong” (God hates violence and infidelity), and Jesus does mention in Matthew 5:32 that divorce is permitted if their is marital unfaithfulness. Divorce at times is the best way to protect yourself and your children from an unhealthy relationship.
Jennifer
January 23, 2023 at 2:16 pmI have proof my husband is having an affair. Data on the phone bill. I’ve walked in on him texting. It’s a separate watch phone. He took and failed a lie detector. He says it’s not him. I still keep standing and praying. It’s like he’s a wall built on lies. He tells me he never has made plans to leave me but I’m the one. In reality I am trying to protect myself bc I don’t know what he’s doing. I’m so confused that he can twist my mind. We have had 23 years of marriage and this just started 4 months ago. At a loss
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
January 26, 2023 at 3:50 pmSome spouses are difficult to confront when you don’t have explicit proof of their affair like the text or email threads or pictures of them together in a compromising position. They hold to their innocence no matter what. I encourage you to seek individual counseling if you are not already in it.
Dan Simpkins
January 24, 2023 at 3:02 amMy wife has moved out after staring a relationship with another man. We have a 4 year old son together. She says she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to get involved in my emotions/feelings over this. She says she’s in love with this man (and has had sex numerous times with him). She’s completely unrepentant over this. She was even kicked off the worship team after our worship leader was alerted to her infidelity. She’s yet to file for divorce but has stated numerous times she intends to divorce me. What do I do? I’ve been praying every day and am completely destroyed over this.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
January 26, 2023 at 3:56 pmIt sounds like she has really had a crisis of faith and turned away from God and her family. As you try to make sense of what is going on, I encourage you to seek Christian counseling from someone who is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC). They are located throughout the United States.
Deborah Haynes
January 26, 2023 at 5:03 pmMy husband had an affair. He said he had ended it but hadn’t. He lied to me for 2yrs while I struggled and tried so hard to forgive & reconcile. He berated me about forgiveness. I’m not able to trust him at all after discovering this. He says the affair is really over and because I’m not able to trust him, I’m at fault now, destroying our family.
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
February 2, 2023 at 8:51 pmIt sounds like he doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his actions and that he needs some accountability from other Christian men. I believe that both of you would benefit from marriage counseling and attending a support group like Celebrate Recovery or Affair Recovery. Celebrate Recovery is free. Affair Recovery has online groups that you pay to attend.
Jason Bemak
February 5, 2023 at 8:06 amMy wife was caught talking to another man back in November. i confronted her about it and we even went to counseling from our pastor. A few weeks ago I find a letter she wrote and left saying she was leaving because of the many times we argued and she was emotionally drained. I think this is partially true but I also think she is living with this new man. She was blaming me when we met our pastor for counseling. Our pastor said she has hardened her heart towards God and trying to find happiness in another man or even apart from God and me but she won’t find it. She left her cell phone and bank card and wedding ring. She said she would contact me via email but has not since she left January 14th. I do not understand why she would cut me off from all communication. I know she is on a dangerous path to destruction if she doesn’t repent. I have emailed her many times and I am sure she has read them but probably doesn’t know what to say or she is trying to sort through her emotions. Many of our Christian friends even emailed her but she is not responding probably because she feels guilty. Any thoughts?
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
February 6, 2023 at 4:32 pmIt sounds like she is having some type of existential crisis where she is turning away from not only you, but her friends and God. All of this is out of your control. I encourage you to seeking individual counseling, draw closer to God, and slow down on your pursuit of her. It sounds like she has been in church, and so she knows what is right. The more that you reach out to her and tell her what to do, the more that you come across as controlling to her. You must allow God to work on her heart.
Leah J
February 28, 2023 at 5:14 amMy boyfriend of 5 years went to a party with his guy friends and he got drunk and made out with another girl. I found out because someone at the party told me and i confronted him, he admitted and told me everything and explained how sorry he was and how when he realized what happened he got up and left the party. I was so upset and angry at him we separated for a week or so and didn’t talk at all we came back together and talked it through and decided to try and make it work. It has been 6 months since this has happened and we both still haven’t moved on from it, my boyfriend cries about it and apologizes almost everyday and you can tell he has a lot of regret. But i can’t move on i still cry about it and feel betrayal. I say i forgive him but i don’t know if i really do? We have talked about breaking up so he can fix himself and become the best version of himself and so i can work on my mental health and moving on. I need God’s help on what we should do. Any thoughts? Thanks!
Vincent Ketchie | Marriage Counselor
March 13, 2023 at 5:29 pmIt sounds like your boyfriend really regrets what happened. Working through forgiveness and reconciliation is a process. Many get stuck at the anger stage and guilt stage and don’t work through the deeper emotions. I have my couples to write letters that push down deeper. I help them to practice reflective listening with each other instead of getting stuck in the defensive/anger mode. I recommend that you go to couple counseling – it can be worked through if both are willing.