Do you feel well-rested? Chances are, if you don’t, you may be like nearly a third of Americans. They have had acute insomnia and struggle with sleep deprivation. According to the American Medical Association, these people, along with those with chronic insomnia, total over 30 million Americans.
Many couples use a (new) old-fashioned strategy to improve sleep quality: the sleep divorce. Couples are choosing to sleep separately, 1950s sitcom style. In fact, a survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found this. It showed that 31% of adults in the U.S. sleep in separate beds.
The largest population of adults choosing to sleep separately are between the ages of 35 to 44. Interestingly, these ages also correlate with the average age range of perimenopause for women. Sleep disturbance is a very common symptom of perimenopause, ranking up there with hot flashes. We’re going to talk about “sleep divorce” as a way to increase sleep during perimenopause.
Sleep Is Essential
Inadequate sleep can cause weight gain, irritability, and poor focus. It can also affect mood and make stress harder to handle.
Poor sleep may lead to many other quality of life concerns. Sleep quality is comparable to water intake, diet and exercise. When we don’t eat well, there are physical consequences. It is a basic necessity.
When we don’t sleep well, there are physical AND relational consequences. People aren’t typically known for having a pleasant demeanors when they haven’t slept well!
Obstacles to Quality Sleep
If your poor sleep is due to your bedmate, consider other sleep arrangements.
There are a number of reasons sharing a bed could be hurting your sleep:
- pets/children/spouse crowd you
- a bedmate has a sleep disorder
- you get hot from being near another warm body
- disparate bedtimes
- one or more bedmates snores (I’m looking at you, you pug-faced pooch, no, I mean the dog!) or maybe even a combination of these.
Can a Sleep Divorce or Sleeping Separately Help Our Marriage?
The choice to sleep separately is a risk/benefit situation. You may have to weigh the risk of having less opportunity for intimacy versus having a better-rested spouse.
Ask yourselves does our relationship improve when we both have better sleep? If so, sleeping separately, could actually IMPROVE your relationship.
How Do We Sleep Separately Without Hurting Our Marriage?
The choice to sleep separately, when done right, honors each person’s needs and is communicated clearly. This can be challenging when spouses feel that sleeping separately disrupts intimacy. If this is the case, being intentional about physical contact outside of sleep time becomes even more important.
It could mean slipping beside your spouse just before their alarm goes off or hanging out a few minutes before lights out, together. It means talking about physical needs and making alternative accommodations.
It requires an understanding that sleep is paramount, and that intimacy obstacles can be overcome by open and clear communication.
If communication breaks down, couples counseling can help. It can create a plan to improve intimacy. It can also support an environment for better sleep.
Sleep Divorce May Be the Solution
The key to a “sleep divorce” is creating a mutually satisfying arrangement that prioritizes each person’s needs. This is done through communication.
Avoiding conflict will not make the issue go away. Vulnerability and empathy go a long way to solve problems. Acting out of anger or running away may feel good, but it just escalates disconnection.
“Sleep divorce” may seem like a distasteful word choice, but it’s far from actual divorce, unless you make it so.
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