Christian Counselors of Mooresville

     In my practice, I (Vincent) see couples. They are coming to me because they are having relationship problems. They need effective ways to handle conflict. They are wound up and going way too fast – in their thinking, speaking, and doing. Many times, my first homework assignment to them is to “SLOW DOWN”, which is imperative to being assertive, the most misunderstood couples skill.

Resolve Conflict in a Calm Way

This article urges couples to slow down during conflict in two ways: first, pause early to prevent escalation—cool off, pray, and reconvene when both are ready or in counseling if needed. Second, slow the exchange of information by being quick to listen (accurately summarize before responding), slow to speak (consider the other’s feelings and speak truth in love), and slow to become angry (assume misunderstandings, show mercy, and trust God). The goal is faith-centered, mindful communication that de-escalates tension and builds understanding.

Conflict Can Bring Tension & Anger

     “Slow down” has multiple meanings. One of those meanings is “to stop before you get started.” King Solomon puts it this way: “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14 ESV). Many couples make the mistake of trying to talk about an issue too quickly.

     When conflict first appears, anger gets stirred up in each other. The fight/flight response fuels each other’s emotions. Things are tense. This is no time to talk. Any talk will be negative and/or unproductive. Each person needs time to cool down, pray, and collect their thoughts.

Ephesians 4: 26-27 says, “Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (NASB).

Determine If They Are Ready to Talk

     When each person has simmered down, then they need to contact each other to see if the other person is ready to talk as well. This time should be soon as possible, once both are ready. Ephesians 4: 26-27 says, “Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (NASB).

If a couple does not feel safe talking to each other about this issue alone, then I have them wait until our next marriage counseling session. In the counseling session, I provide a safe environment for them to practice healthy conflict resolution skills.

Understand What “Slow Down” Means in Conversation

     Another meaning for “slow down” is “to reduce the speed of receiving and giving information.” James, the brother of Jesus, put it this way: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,” (James 1:19 NIV).

1. “Quick to listen” means – focus on what the other person is saying. Don’t assume that you understand them and say, “I understand”. Instead summarize what they are saying, and see if that is what they meant. This may take awhile. Do not use an “if, and, or but” in your summary. Do not proceed to sharing your thoughts and/or feelings until you receive an affirmative “yes” from them.

    Most couples struggle with the “quick to listen” part. It takes a lot of effort to truly comprehend what the other person is saying and meaning. All energy must be focused on understanding the other person. When truly listening, you do not have extra energy to think about justifying your point of view.

2. “Slow to speak” means – do not think about what you want to say when the other person is talking. Take into account the other person’s thoughts and feelings before speaking. If something critical or negative is to be said, then begin with some compliments or positives first. Paul says, “Instead, we will speak the truth in love…” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT).

3. “Slow to become angry” means – assume misunderstandings. Show mercy. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Don’t trust your heart, but instead trust God. Jeremiah 17:9 says: “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick…” (NASB). “…God is greater than our heart and knows all things” (1 John 3:20 NASB).

     So “slowing down” requires couples to be aware of what is going on in the moment, to quiet their hearts, and to keep God in mind through it all.

     Need more help?  Call 704-658-0238 to schedule an appointment.

Questions & Answers About Practical Ways to Handle Conflict

Question: What does “slow down” mean in this context?

Short answer: It has two main meanings: first, “stop before you get started” so a quarrel doesn’t break out (Proverbs 17:14). Second, reduce the speed of giving and receiving information—be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19)—by staying aware, quieting your heart, and keeping God in mind.

Question: When is the right time to talk after a conflict begins?

Short answer: Not while emotions are high and the fight/flight response is active. Each person should cool down, pray, and collect thoughts, then check if the other is ready; talk as soon as possible once both are ready (Ephesians 4:26–27). If you don’t feel safe talking alone, wait for a counseling session where a safe environment is provided.

Question: How can we practice being “quick to listen”?

Short answer: Focus entirely on understanding the other person. Summarize what you heard without adding “if, and, or but,” and don’t share your own view until they affirm you got it right; this takes effort and means letting go of justifying your position while you listen.

Question: What does “slow to speak” look like in practice?

Short answer: Don’t plan your response while the other person is talking; first consider their thoughts and feelings. If you need to say something critical, begin with positives and “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

Question: What does it mean to be “slow to become angry”?

Short answer: Assume misunderstandings, show mercy, and give the benefit of the doubt. Don’t trust your own heart (Jeremiah 17:9); instead, trust God who knows all things (1 John 3:20), allowing Him to guide your responses.