“Love goggles.” Butterflies. Head over heels. Being in love with someone can override your ability to recognize warning signs (or red flags) that the person you are smitten with is not a good catch.
Comedian Dustin Nickerson in his book “How to be Married (to Melissa)”, talks about how when people are deciding whether they should get married, that they should consider the other person’s “worst” negative trait. They should think about whether they can live with that person’s worst trait for the rest of their lives.
For Dustin, his wife pronounces salsa “salza”. He deals with it. But on a heavier note, he brings up a good point: What is your love interest’s most difficult trait and can you handle it from here on out?
Below you’ll find specific behaviors to pay particular attention to. These flags are to get you to examine your relationship a little deeper. Red flags are the negative ones and green are the positive.
*Threats of physical harm or emotional abuse are not specifically listed in these checklists, although some of the red flags found here fall into traits of abusers. Abuse should not be tolerated.
Red Flags
The red flags are behaviors that should stop you in your tracks and make you re-think pursuit of the relationship.
- Saying ‘yes’ to everyone but you.
- He breaks promises or breaks his word.
- He love bombs you from the beginning. (Flatters you often, he’s overly complimentary, he’s created a whirlwind romance. He has isolated you from friends and family.)
- He does not apologize or admit failures.
- Every problem or source of conflict is your fault.
- Enmeshed with parents, exes, or other friends and/or family. (He enables their bad behaviors and excuses the problems they create.)
- Sarcasm at the expense of those closest to him.
- Has a “public” persona and a “behind closed doors” persona.
- He is breadcrumbing you—keeps you on the hook but does very little else. He gives you enough attention to make you think you are in a relationship. But he is really manipulating you. He wants to keep you as a backup or boost his ego.
- Compares you to his exes or brings up his exes often in conversation.
- Rude to waitstaff or those serving him.
- Dismissive of your feelings.
- Puts down your interests.
Green Flags
The green flags are behaviors that should encourage you to continue in your relationship.
- Treats you empathetically. He tries to understand you.
- His ‘yes’ means ‘yes’, and his ‘no’ means ‘no’.
- He believes women are capable adults and values your opinions and strength.
- He admits it when he makes a mistake. He apologizes.
- When conflict arises, he acknowledges that he is not “always right” and is willing to see your side of the matter.
- Prioritizes you and your relationship with him.
- Shows genuine interest in your family and friendships.
- Supportive of your personal interests.
- Transparent about past relationships.
- Money and finances are not something he is secretive about.
- He feels secure in the relationship and does not feel threatened when you give attention to family or friends.
How Is Your Radar? Do You Recognize These Negative, Red Flags?
These lists are intended for women entering into or who are in the early stages of a relationship. Some women have broken or damaged radars. If your radar is suspect, then hopefully, this list has helped you to explore your relationship in further detail.
If you’re in a committed relationship and you recognize red flags, individual counseling may help you to figure out what to do next. A therapist can help you to better understand what a healthy relationship looks like.
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